The Confessions of A Single Woman

After a few glasses of wine and a much needed FaceTime date with one of my best friends, I was inspired to share my thoughts as a single woman in todays society. Single women in society after a certain age aren’t looked at through the same filter that they are looked at in their early twenties when they had more single friends than they have now. So here is a little insight, since everyone LOVES to give their opinion on what the single women in their lives should do. Before I get started, I do want to say that I appreciate all of my friends love and support, so please don’t take offense to this. I also want to put out a disclaimer that this isn’t necessarily how I feel currently but thoughts I have felt at some point in my time being single. Oh and also remember that I am super sarcastic and it’s not to be confused with bitterness.

  1. Just because I choose to forgo the bullshit of getting ready and choose to enjoy a quiet night snuggled up with my dog and a glass of wine in my favorite PJ’s, doesn’t mean that I’m going to end up alone and become the crazy dog lady. Let’s face it I’m already a crazy dog mom with or with out my relationship status.
  2. I can also offer insight into the opposite of the previous scenario. If I choose to go out and have a good time and drink a little too much, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to settle down or be serious. I am single with nothing tying me down, so if I choose to go out and have a good time it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.
  3. Yes, I am an independent woman who has lived on her own and made her own house a home with out a significant other. That doesn’t mean that I have three heads or deserve a special award. Newsflash, living independently and being able to provide for yourself is completely and absolutely NORMAL. I am flattered that you want to pump me up and make me feel good about myself, but sometimes it can feel a little condescending.
  4. If I don’t ask to be set up with anyone DON’T assume I would appreciate you trying to set me up with someone. If I want to date, I will date. Thank you.
  5. I know that I am single; I don’t need to be reminded of it. I am a confident person and don’t have to have a date to feel comfortable hanging out with my friends who are in a relationship or married. I appreciate you caring about my feelings, but I am totally fine attending an event solo.
  6. I know my worth. I have heard the line “You are a great girl and deserve the world, but…” enough times to know that if a guy really wanted to be with me he would do whatever it takes. I don’t need your opinion or life advice to realize this. I know you are just trying to help, but I saw the warning signs before I even decided to tell you.
  7. I can’t magically make a relationship happen. I don’t know when or how I am going to meet the guy I end up with, so please respect that I can’t just pull my dream guy out of a hat and be just like you, happy and in love.

Ill wrap this post up with some advice for people in relationships and happily married couples. Dating these days can be a complete nightmare. There are too many dating apps and ways to put yourself out there that it can make your head spin. So please remember that you haven’t been single in a while and you might not remember what it is like, so before you go offering your opinion, STOP and put yourself back in the single lady shoes you grew out of.

Xoxo,

Your Single Friend

 

You Never Know

I am sure that most of you reading this have in one way or another heard the phrase “don’t assume anything because assuming makes an ass out of you and me”. However, if you stop what you are doing and look back at things you have said and done, how many times have you passed judgment on someone else with out knowing their story? I hate to admit it, but if I’m being honest I have found myself passing judgment in the past. In fact it took me recently starting over and coming to terms with my past to understand that you NEVER really know everything about a person. I am sure there are plenty of people who read my last post and had NO idea I struggled with a past of abuse. Just like you think you may know someone so well, but maybe you don’t.

Ok, so why am I writing this post? I have recently found myself feeling judged by others close to me, and have struggled with how to move on. At the end of the day I am who I am, and if the people around me can’t accept that… It’s a shame. I am also writing this post in hopes that the next time you go to pass judgment on someone you stop, and remember you NEVER know. This applies to strangers, but it also applies to people you have known your whole life, best friends, parents, brothers/sisters, etc. Just because someone chooses to live their life differently from yours doesn’t mean their way is any less valuable. Just because you don’t understand someone’s point of view doesn’t make it invalid. In fact if we stopped and listened to others, we could gain more perspective than we had before. I am sorry, but no one is perfect, not even you.

If there is anything to take away from this post, please just remember you NEVER know. Your best friend could be struggling with their past and things you don’t know about them. Your sibling could be struggling with not being able to find a job. Your parents could be struggling financially and don’t want their children to know. The person making your coffee today could have recently lost a loved one. You just NEVER know. If you are reading this and find yourself motivated to pay it forward, thank your barista, leave a larger tip than usual, send that encouraging text, or simply smile. Don’t forget that something simple could turn someone’s day around.

-Nicole

Take A Stand

Warning: This post is not for the light hearted, and is the deepest post I have written to date. If you are looking for a funny and sarcastic post this is not it, but there is a great message to be shared.


I have a story to tell that has not been told to many people, and I feel like it is important to share my story in hopes that it can help someone who has been through or may currently be in a similar situation. I do not seek sympathy, nor do I want to victimize myself. These events have taken place in my past and I have successfully moved on in life. While my past has impacted certain relationships in my life, it has also molded me into the strong woman that I am proud to be today. If you are reading this post and in any way feel like you can relate or have a similar story to tell, I encourage you to seek help if you haven’t before and talk to someone about your situation.

I am a product of abuse. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother was granted primary custody and moved across the country from my dad and his family (our support system). I was very fortunate to have an older sister to look after me and help while my mom worked to support us. Growing up my mother had a short temper and quite the drinking habit. She would be quick to respond with a spanking, which would later escalate to “the belt”, then yelling and screaming in my face, and before you knew it I was 13 getting slapped across the face. After years of physically proving she was the parent and I was the child my mother started playing a mental game. All of my teenage years when my self image was in constant question all I heard was how I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, and flat out not good enough to accomplish my goals in life. It wasn’t until I started to experience success in early adulthood that I realized everything my mother had said about me wasn’t true. I know that it may sound far-fetched, but when you have a parent who you are supposed to count on and trust belittling you and tearing you apart it is hard to believe in yourself. It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I took a stand and said enough was enough and confronted my mother. This led to the decision for me to separate myself from the relationship I had with my mother and end all communication. I realized a few years later that holding a grudge wasn’t the best way to live the rest of my life and I have recently spoken with my mother and forgiven my past and how I was raised. This in no way means that I want or will have a relationship with my mother, but it does mean that I can let go of years of pain and doubt and live a healthy life full of love and positivity.

So you would think living a childhood/young adulthood filled with mental and emotional abuse I wouldn’t entertain a relationship with a man that possessed the same capabilities, right? Well, I wish I were strong enough back when I met him to look passed his great looks, amazing body, charming personality, and deep southern accent and say NO and move on. This is not easy for me to share, because unlike parental abuse, I made a choice to keep going back. The extent of our actual committed relationship was short lived, but we have maintained a toxic friendship for nearly 6 years. My ex never physically abused me, but up until recently I was emotionally and mentally abused by him. Close friends and family are well informed of the toxic relationship and have always encouraged me to stay away. I have blocked him from contacting me multiple times through my cell phone provider, and have had him blocked on social media as well. There was a time I had been transferred with my job, blocked his number, and he called me at work to find a way to communicate with me. I have been called every negative word you could use to describe a woman, and although I am not proud to admit it there have been times that I have been pushed to say awful things in return. My ex was a heavy drinker and depending on how much he drank he either loved me, or thought I was a stupid bitch. For years I heard about how unsuccessful I would be and that I would never amount to anything if I cut him out of my life. He has openly admitted many times that he is aware of his ability to manipulate people to get what he wants. I always tried to find the good in him and remember the guy I fell in the love with when we were younger, but a person can only take so much abuse before they are exhausted and have no energy left to give. I will always wish him the best, and hope that he finds happiness even if some would say he doesn’t deserve it.

I know that this post is heavy, and for some it may even catch you by surprise. I hope that by sharing my past you see my strength and not “baggage”. For those reading this post who can relate or have experienced any abuse, please remember that you are so much stronger than you think and you deserve all the happiness life has to offer.

-Nicole

 

All The Single Ladies

Have you ever asked yourself “where have all the good men gone” or “does the perfect guy for me even exist”? It’s okay, be honest, because I am pretty sure every single woman has asked herself this question. I know I have asked myself both of those questions. In a world where technology and social media rule people’s lives, it seems nearly impossible to find someone who you can trust and build a long lasting relationship with. Right? Well, I’m not so sure about that. I think there are a few things that contribute to a single lady missing out on a great opportunity with her perfect match.

First, the media has created an image of the “perfect” relationship that is far from reality. Trashy television shows like the Bachelor and Bachelorette on ABC are a perfect example of expectation versus reality. I am ABSOLUTELY guilty of loving both of these TV shows, but you can’t lose sight of reality while enjoying the drama and entertainment. Not everyone can fall in love in 8 weeks while traveling and jet setting across the world, love takes time and any perfect companion should hopefully have responsibilities that keep them grounded. Any relationship that is going to be long lasting requires a strong foundation, and you can’t rush that process. A real relationship consists of compromise, honesty, compassion, support, selflessness, trust, and hard work.

So now that you have a more realistic expectation of a relationship, it is important to remember to be self-aware. I have often observed women wanting to find the “perfect” man when they are far from perfect themselves (I myself have been found guilty of this). Ladies, you can’t expect a man with a great career, perfect smile, and smoking body when you don’t have any of the same qualities. Further more, aside from the superficial demands you can’t expect to marry a man with all of the perfect personality traits when you are lacking in the personality department as well. Relationships are give and take. You can’t just expect a man to meet all of your expectations on that handy checklist I know you have, and you don’t meet the same expectations. Also, take a step back from superficial dating apps like Tinder because if you think you will find love swiping right or left, you will be disappointed.

If you are looking for love, stop. It will find you when the time is right. I know this is cliché and trust me, I have heard it myself and rolled my eyes and said yeah fucking right! However, when the time is right and you are ready and willing, the right man will cross your path. In the mean time, work on yourself and love who you are!

-Nicole

Relationships and Dating Disasters

Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Match, I have tried them all. Bless my heart, right? The whole point of my blog is to be honest and open, and what is more honest and open than exposing my dating life. I am not going to share any names, and if someone I have dated reads this and isn’t happy about it, sorry but you were a part of my life. I realize that this can create a negative opinion of who I am, but I bet that everyone who reads this will relate in one way or another. If you don’t relate, good for you, but the rest of us are still figuring it out.

In the last six years I have casually dated, started relationships, fallen in love and the worst part had my heart broken. If there is one thing that you should never under estimate it’s the power of a break up, however hopefully you learn something as you move on in life. I have no regrets about my dating history, just to make that clear, and I don’t think all men are assholes. We all have met someone of the opposite sex in our lives and can hopefully admit that in some way that person changed us for better, or in some less positive cases for worse. I met a guy right before I turned 21 and even though it has been turbulent at times (this is an understatement), we have found a way to be friends today. Lines get blurred, and as people we are both less than perfect (he wouldn’t admit to be anything less than perfection), but I will always appreciate the honesty and support he has provided over the last six years. I mention him because after things didn’t work out romantically between us, I entered the reality of the dating world today.

Casually dating and meeting men these days is a trip. Apps have been created for you to swipe left or right based on a few pictures and if your lucky a half assed bio that is less than 200 words. No matter what you think, these dating profiles won’t prepare you for the person you meet. I had success using a reputable dating site and it led to a nine-month relationship that I can honestly say was some of the best times I have had in my twenties. The relationship started with two complete strangers spending the perfect day together, I’ll spare the details but it was pretty great. After that day I was hooked, and our relationship took off. We brought our lives together, introduced friends and family, traveled here and there, and before you knew it I fell in love. As time went on and the relationship reached a fork in the road and our feelings for each other changed, well at least his did. The worst part of this relationship ending was losing one of the best friends I had made in a partner. This relationship plus the one mentioned earlier played a major part in my life and taught me a lot about myself, but its time to move on, and what is a dating life with out the casual dating experience? BORING!

So at this point I have had my heart broken a few times, but don’t want to give up on finding “the one”, and at the time I was the token single girl out of my friends. So, what did I do? I activated Tinder, and honestly it should come with a warning label. The warning label should read “ CAUTION: This app may lead to a drunk guy showing up at your house at 2a wanting to cuddle all while repeating how he will never date you over and over” (yes, this really happened). There is a double standard in the dating world today, if a guy is too forward with his intentions he is only after sex, and if a girl is too forward with her intentions she is a stage five clinger. While fun dating apps have lead to lots of fun first dates, they haven’t lead to many second dates, but they always make for great group text conversations with my girlfriends. Sorry guys, but girls share everything and if you didn’t already know this, you’re welcome! Incase I haven’t said it enough to my close friends, thank you for always being there and listening to my crazy dating adventures, and you’re welcome for the entertainment I have provided.

I haven’t given up on finding love, but I have learned that it will happen when it’s meant to and I have no regrets.

-Nicole